“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1Thessalonians 5:11

I messed up. Again.

“Good game, Daniel. You made two of your three shots. I’m proud of you. Can I make a suggestion?”

I should have stopped with “good game.” But I didn’t.

“You have to take more shots. You hesitated a few times and then didn’t take the shots. You’re one of the best shooters on your team. If you don’t take open shots, your team won’t win.”

And I kept talking. And talking. I wanted to be helpful and encouraging. I hoped my words would help Daniel play to his potential.

They only discouraged him. So much that his face was sad as he said, “You never said, ‘good job’.”

When I told him that’s how I started, he simply said, “No, you didn’t.”

That was a major aha for me. People may not hear our praise if it’s surrounded by criticism.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Let me say it again. I’m so proud of you. Your shots were great and you gave God your best. I want to encourage you. How can I do that?”

“Stop talking after my games, Mom.”

My heart broke. Today, I was one of those parents.

I want to be nice, loving and encouraging. But my mouth gets in the way. My words were controlling, critical, and demanding.

So, I am committing this basketball season, with you as my witnesses, to be my boys greatest cheerleader. No more coaching.

More encouraging. More building up. All of the time.

My son has another basketball game on Wednesday. I’m excited to be his greatest cheerleader.

This week, I’m asking God to show me new ways to say “Great job. I’m proud of you.”  I’d love to hear your ideas.

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

“Please stop talking.” my seven year-old calmly but firmly pleaded.

Without skipping a beat I continued with my reprimand.

“Please stop talking,” he said again, this time with tears welling in his eyes.

He knew what he had done was wrong. He needed my love, not a lecture.

He continued, “I’ll take my consequences, but please stop talking. Your tone isn’t nice. Can I have a hug?”

I shut my mouth and opened my arms. Immediately my demeanor changed. And so did my words. “I love you. What you did isn’t okay.”

“I know Mom.”

He did know. After I reiterated my love for him, we talked about why it was wrong and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I want my words to encourage, not defeat; build up, not tear down; to instruct, not condemn.

The problem? My mouth gets in the way. Just because I can say something, doesn’t mean I should.  Unfiltered, my words are often controlling, critical and demanding.

The result? I make situations worse with my presence and my words. That’s not my intention, but it’s the reality of my actions.

I’m not alone. I recently read that in the average home ten negative comments are made for every positive one. And it takes five positive comments to offset each negative one.

That made me sad and challenged me. I have to do better. I want to do better.  But I can’t do this alone.

First, I need God’s help. The Bible is full of wisdom and instruction about what we should say and what we shouldn’t. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God. . .” Ephesians 4:29-30a. Learning these verses is easy, living them is hard. But God is willing to help as often as we ask. So I keep asking. Lord, please help me. I want my words to reflect Your Spirit, not grieve it. Please silence me when what I’m saying is hurtful or unnecessary. Let words of love and encouragement flow freely from my lips.

I also need my family’s help. I’ve shared my desire to have a home that builds up not tears down. A home that loves not lectures. One that encourages not nitpicks. One that reflects His Spirit, not grieves It. They want that too.

One way we help each other is by saying, “Please stop” while putting our hand out like a crossing guard when someone says something they shouldn’t. It raises our awareness to the words we say without thinking about the impact they have on others.

I’m so thankful my son was persistent in telling me to please stop talking. With God’s guidance and my family’s encouragement, I’m excited to embark on this journey of better words. Choice by choice. Word by word. Will you join me?