“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.”
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Open your eyes ref!
Come on, he was going for the ball!
You’ve got to be kidding me!
From the first tap of my son’s soccer game, all ears were subjected to the ranting of one obnoxious dad on the sidelines.
Everyone heard him. Many glared. Some shook their heads. Others chuckled.
He put on quite a show.
I wasn’t there to watch him. But it was becoming increasingly more difficult to focus on my son’s game as this man spewed insult after insult.
Do you need glasses ref? Because I have a pair in my car and I would be happy to go get them!
I hollered back. I could have said, Please do and while you’re at it get a muzzle for yourself! But I showed a little restrain. Really? This is the way you’re going to behave at a youth soccer game?
A mom from their team immediately turned around to look at ME!
So I continued. Yeah, and you wonder why some kids are so rude.
My words did nothing to silence that dad. After 5 more minutes, the referee had heard enough. With the clock running, he stopped play until that dad went to his car.
Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident. Outbursts at youth sporting events have become common. In the heat of the moment, people feel entitled to holler whatever they want.
And that day I became one of them. I didn’t want my silence to condone his behavior. But my words could have sparked an ugly battle.
The next morning, I asked God about it. Lord, I know I can’t have a redo, but if I could, what would You have had me say?
Within a few minutes, this idea came to mind. Sir, would you be willing to ask your son, your son’s coaches, and other parents one question? Are you okay with the way I talk at your soccer games?
God immediately spoke to my heart. That’s a good question for you to ask too.
So I asked my boys. Are okay with the way I talk at your soccer games and basketball games and football games?
If truth be told, I was a little nervous to hear their responses. I haven’t always been as encouraging, and positive as I would like to be. So I have worked at it. Hard.
Their answers didn’t surprise me. Some made me smile.
Yeah Mom it’s okay what you say – you encourage us but just don’t coach.
Yeah, you tell me to go to the ball and that’s not what I’m supposed to do.
And make sure you don’t holler “Go blue!” when it’s completely silent and we’re doing the tap off.
Later I asked them one-on-one. Are you really okay with the way I talk at your games? When are the times you wish I would shut up and not speak?
As they talked and I listened, I was sad and grateful. I say a lot of things that aren’t helpful or kind or encouraging. My boys have enough coaches and critics. I get to be their number one cheerleader. And I want to do it well. Much better than I have been.
So when should I talk?
One of my son’s basketball coaches provides excellent parameters. Before the season begins, he has a meeting with all the parents. I am the coach. I don’t want you coaching your kids from the stands. I don’t want you criticizing the kids or the referees. If you do, you won’t be welcome in the gym at future games. And if you show up, your kids won’t play. Please do clap and encourage them. Any questions?
So I speak up to clap and encourage. I compliment the kids on great passes and shots and team play. And I compliment the referee on calls when the other team criticizes them. And if one of our parents criticizes the referee on a call against our kids, as a team we hold them accountable. Whoever is close by will ask them to walk away if they can’t be silent.
I also keep asking my boys. How did I do today? What did I say that was good? When should I have been silent? I choose to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.
And I ask God to help me. How did I do today? What did I say that was good? When should I have been silent? Please silence me when I’m shouldn’t talk and give me the courage to speak up when I should.
How about you? What are your favorite ways to encourage your kids at their sporting events? How do you effectively handle inappropriate talk? How would your kids respond if you asked them – Are you okay with the way I talk at your sporting events? Please leave your comments and thanks for reading.
One God. One Goal. 
Hi Kim! I appreciate what you’re doing. We can all be more positive and uplifting. Thanks for starting the conversation.
Wow, Kim! You have so perfectly captured what so many of us parents struggle with. When faced with negativity on the court/field, I just try to cheer more loudly- to drown out the negative voices. Hmmm, I will have to see if my kids appreciate this, or wish I would just be silent!
Kim, it was so nice seeing you again last week at Marlene’s. As I grow old I do a lot of reminiscing and sometimes I’m reminded of a hanging on the wall of my childhood farm-home. Painted with oils on oilcloth, with a roses decoration, were the words “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18:21). You’re on the right track. Keep going!
Well written, Kim! 🙂 Thank you for giving us something to think about…..even though most people do their best to live their lives in a way pleasing to God, we can all use positive encouragement to do even better. Love you!
I love your Bible quote and the way you show how we demonstrate that or don’t demonstrate that in our everyday lives. You are an incredible writer! Thanks for sharing!
My husband and I make a point to cheer for all the team players when they do something special or right during a game. We find that it energizes all the team parents to know that we are cheering for the team, not just our child. In regards to inappropriate language, my husband will take the time to approach a parent/spectator to let them know that their language is offensive. In every instance the person is apologetic and admits they were so caught up in the moment that they did not realize the severity of their language.
And yes, the kids will get angry at unfair referee calls and shocked by poor language from spectators and, believe it or not, other team coaches! But we remind them that referees are people too and they can make mistakes just like everyone else. In fact, our goal is to have each son referee a game in the future so that they gain “the other side of the game” perspective.
For foul language, we remind our children that we need to show some empathy for people that never learned or do not know how to express themselves properly. We probably use the same words most parents do…”if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Actually, as they get older, we say “if you don’t have something positive to say, or have constructive and actionable criticism, don’t say anything at all.” Same basic message.
Thanks for the providing the opportunity to make me stop and think, learn from others, and share my thoughts about these issues!
Kim, So well written you should be proud. I have been known to ask loudly if there are scouts in the stand or ask if a child is getting paid to play. When people start to get ridiculous and acting like we are sitting in Citizens Bank Park. My son has had his feelings hurt by a parent spectator on more than one occasion. One mom use to shout “taking the easy way out” if he got walked in baseball. Another mom belly laughed so loud when he missed a catch and her son made it home. That was the first thing he said to me when he walked off the field I though Mrs…. Was so nice guess I was wrong why would she laugh at my mistake. I feel if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. I have found moms to be as bad as some dads with the nasty comments or language. When people start the coach bashing I walk away because my husband coaches and I cannot believe they say things infront of me. I want to say feel free to coach if you can do a better job or think it is so easy. My goal for my children is for them to try many different sports and activities and above all have fun. I cheer for my child as well as the other team members because I believe you win or lose as a team. I will be asking them how my cheering makes them feel.